I hate CIO so much right now. I wish that I had never started. I know I could just stop but I have already come this far in it and I already see improvement. It just breaks my heart hearing by baby cry like that...especially when I know how quickly and easily I can get him to stop. All he wants is to be in his mama's arms.
I have to keep reminding myself that I truly am doing this for him own good. Not because I need a break, to be honest with you listening to him cry like this leaves me sitting here with tears running down my cheeks and my heart broken. I feel horrible...like the worst mom on the planet.
Why am I doing this? Well it is the last resort. We have tried so many other things but our little guy has major sleep problems. He sleeps for about 7-9 hours a day and has since he was born. He is now 10 months old and both him and I are totally worn out, we both even have bags under our eyes...yep that's right my 10 month old has dark bags under his sweet little eyes!
I think there are a few reason's he doesn't get any sleep. Bad habits he has formed since he was born. I feel even worse that I let it go on this long because now he'd older, I keep thinking if I would have done this when he was younger it would have been so much easier on him.
So his first bad habit is nursing to sleep. I hate that this is even a problem at all...I love nursing my baby, I love the bonding and the time it gives us together. I love stroking his hair and looking at his perfect little face...playing with his perfect little fingers. Unfortunately now every time he wakes up even a little bit he wants to nurse...so this means sometimes up to 15 times a night.
If he doesn't nurse to sleep he wants to be rocked in his fisher price rocking/vibrating chair. No not rocked softly, he prefers it to be fast and wants to hear the chair click as it hits the floor...oh and did I mention it has to be in perfect rhythm of he starts crying again. This one is tiring and exhausting, especially when it happens 10 times a night.
To be completely honest if it was just me with bags under my eyes and sleep deprived I would just deal with it and avoid any tears. My sweet boy needs his sleep though, he is miserable when he is awake, he doesn't want to play very much and he is just not himself. I worry that if I don't break him of these habits then he will become sick, and just not be his happy little self.
I truly want what's best for my boy, I cry the whole time he cries...I imagine the things he's thinking, wondering why mommy just wont pick him up and cuddle him. It breaks my heart. I wish there was some other way, I wish he could understand.
Every time I go into his room to reassure him that it's OK, that I love him it kills me to put him back in that bed. I do because he cuddles into me and within seconds starts falling asleep. I just want to cuddle him and make everything better again, but in the long run that doesn't solve his sleep problems...and I know he can do this! This is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but I will do my very best to stand by my son and help him learn how to sleep on his own because that's what's best for him and that's what I want! So for now my heart will just have to break and my tears will just have to run freely down my face.
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